I'm creating another new blog section

It's time. After Saturday, I feel like I'm getting a fresh begninning.

When I started this blog, I shivered at the thought of Shawn reading it. Because I shared it with you guys, my online friends, and no one laughed at me (or at least told me they laughed at me) I decided it was safe to show Shawn. I didn't know how he would react.

Imagine my surprise when I saw my husband CRY for maybe the third time in the pretty much 8 years we have known each other!!!! He told me I should start that book and if it did publish then we would worry about the $$ and how it affects my medical later on.

I was surprised to see him cry and I was glad to know it affected him like that. I'm still home. No mental instituition. Even though that day took all I had mentally, I wish for many more days like that--where everything is clear and I feel Christ's prescence so near. I no longer see God as a punitive God. I am reading this book called "Beyond the Veil" it is by Alice Smith and it is teaching me so much. She talked about how intercessors often feel depression because that's actually a call from God to pray whether for them or for someone else.

I saw that yesterday.

I have a friend who I have known since the third grade. That's longer than I have heard the word "cancer" without it being in regard to my grandfather. Yesterday God gave me the opportunity to help her out. I wasn't able to even bring him up but I showed her a part of the love his son has showed me. I did it without her even knowing. I don't know her spiritual life but I saw very strong signs of the same OCD and anxiety I've battled for years. She lost her wallet. I was there to calm her down. It seems so small and insignificant (my help) but after Saturday I know that sometimes those small things matter more than we know. Christ cares about small things. He cares about me even though to him there have been so many Christians it must be like we are ants and he is the king ant. Except for him the word king doesn't exactly fit because he is much more than that. A constant prescence whether felt or not. He feels sadness when we sin and that makes me want to make an even bigger effort not to do it. I'm a changed woman over ONE day!

He revealed to me a changed marriage. He revealed to me that I've slipped in regards to teaching the kids about him though even before I had began starting them to pray. I guess mommy didn't want to believe she no longer had a baby but a small child capable of true prayers.

Now I'm daring to dream and hope about each day because I know I'm here for a longer haul than I ever thought. I have no illusion that the medical things won't still be there. The migraine that woke me up at 4:30 am this morning was a reminder of that. The pain doesn't seem so much though. It's no longer going deep enough to get to my soul. In one day God showed me through his son that 1) my marriage is saved and if it is meant to be Shawn and I will see our 50th wedding anniversary 2) he still has a purpose for me and can use me and even more importantly that I know I am on track with that purpose 3) when we sin, he feels sadness. When Shawn had a lapse due to exhaustion that day and got loud with me I wasted no time with the tears. I honestly felt like I felt what Christ was feeling! Of course not to the full extent but I was upset Shawn was angry and that he was feeling bad. It made me cry.

Now THIS is exciting.

When I let Shawn read the blog post, he said "Now that explains a whole lot about why you have been acting differently". Isn't that key to knowing something sincere has happened? Also my friend who had the panic attack yesterday just looked at me and said "something has changed about you---I can't put my finger on it but you seem SO strong. I know you hate hearing that because you said anyone would go through chemo and cancer if they had to but you do it and it doesn't seem to weaken you. You seem stonger."

I'll see her again sooner than I would have. I have an opportunity to share my witness which I think she needs to read (I can write it better than say it). I don't know what her relationship with the Lord is like and it is none of my business but I feel drawn to share for some reason--the same way I felt with Shawn last night. I thought in my head "God, are you sure? He hasn't shown much interest in you beyond church on Sunday." Well, there was still the small voice saying "do it!"

Now I feel more brave. With Christ all things are possible. Those aren't just empty words but the real deal. We don't deserve it but he loves us anyway. I got my wish to feel unconditional love that day. He sent it to me through the Spirit. I saw it from my kids. Now that I know he cares enough about this "ant" I also know he cares about his other ants. I felt his unconditional love for me and a heightened sense of the unconditional love of Hannah more so than Owen but definately from both.

I'm so glad what I felt Saturday isn't completely gone. Yesterday wasn't a day of revelation but I asked for only enough for me to be able to understand and endure. I don't expect an end to it but do imagine it will be spaced out. That's ok. He knows best.

And gone is any resentment I had over the cancers and this Cowden Syndrome. Now I will share that I have felt resentment. It's tough seeing moms better able to provide for their kids because they can work outside the home and knowing my health has kept me from working to help has been a sense of shame for me. A better word may be sorrow. It was revealed to me not to feel that way and that I have more important work at home.

The whole day showed me that my life has been restored in so many ways----anxiety next to gone, marriage is better than it ever was, my new surgeries are the right thing to do and not to fear what will happen as a result. Now writing the words "I love Jesus and am SO grateful for his gift" have more meaning. That deadness is gone. The realization that something I wrote touched my husband's heart is one of the best things. Knowing several people said what I wrote made them have tears in their eyes makes me 110% sure that really was my Jesus and not just a really, really good day. Knowing I couldn't sleep until I got that written down makes me know it was a prompting to write it down not only for my own benefit but for how it could benefit others because the next morning I woke up as I thought--less there in the revelatory phase but still that prescence and the changes aren't all gone.

It's showing in my behavior ya'll. It's real. No more empty prayers. My plan is to study more in the area of apologetics to be better equipped to share my testimony with people and to be able to support it with true facts. My prayer life is about to increase exponetially. I know with a certainty Saturday came as an answer to the prayer I had at the altar that day. I said "ok God, so are you tearing me down to build me up? What's the deal?" Now I know. I can make Sat July 26th as a day to celebrate each year. I had been celebrating Feb 15th because it ended chemo and now I'm changing it as I have a day to remember not fearing cancer and that's more of a special day than most I can think of.