I told myself

I would get back and finish my health story but things have been crazy.

I just realized that those who have read this probably think I am a stoner what with the title and all. I have spent so much of my life laying in the back seat of cars staring up at the sky on the way home from doctor appointments and hospitalizations. Two days ago was my geneticist appointment. The clouds weren't so poofy. More thin and storm like. Should have seen it as an omen.

One day it will happen. I will have had as many surgeries as I am years old because I have another one being brought on. I will be having my uterus removed soon. ---Sigh--- I know things could be worse but sometimes I feel so much like a lab rat.

We found out that because Hannah is on the autism spectrum her odds of having Cowden's have jumped into the almost certainty range. I feel just like I thought I would. Guilty. When we were trying to have a second child, I knew there was a chance I had Cowden's. I didn't know with Owen but with Hannah, I knew. I weighed the odds then and asked myself if I had my life to live over would I do it again and answered yes. There's been a lot of pain --sure but all total it has made me who I am. I don't know that I would have a relationship with the Lord if I had been healthy. I remember having a break-up occur because I told my fiancee that if I knew my child would have to go through what I have been through I would still have the child. He called me selfish.

Am I?

Maybe I don't want an answer to that.

I once had a dream I was an old woman and Hannah was with me in the doctor's office. It wasn't clear who we were there for. Maybe God was telling me something? I hope not because in the dream I asked about Owen and it was clear he was deceased but had left me 3 beautiful blonde haired grandaughters. I woke up extremely sad because it was impressed on me that he had died not long in time from where we were in the dream. Thankfully it was just a dream though I would love to have 3 grandaughters some day. I once dreamed of a grandson--Hannah's son and he was a surgeon of all things. I have crazy dreams.

Like the one I had back in 1992 before I knew I relapsed. I had a dream that I was at my old school but the lighting was in different colors. It was impressed on me that I had to get to Memphis to St Jude before the big New Madrid earthquake happened. I dreamed of getting underneath a cushioned couch and of living through the earthquake but being extremely wounded. Earthquakes are setbacks and St Jude--cancer relapse was a definite setback.

The kicker? I had never been in the new section of St Jude before and had no idea what it looked like. In those days treatment was in the Research tower and in my dream I got under a couch just like one in the lobby and looked up on a glass ceiling--just like in that lobby.

Before Shawn and I were engaged, I had a dream of a brown haired little girl who looked a whole lot like him. She was in pigtails. For years I wanted to give my daughter the name Kennedy. My cousin named her daughter that as a middle name but at this time THAT child hadn't been conceived yet. I asked the little girl if I named her Kennedy and she laughed at me saying it was a silly name and no that wasn't her name. Then I asked her if she was my first child and woke up with the year 2003 on my mind. That was when Owen was born. Also when we were trying to get pregnant the second time, the last month that was unsuccessful didn't bring the usual tears and sadness. Ever since that dream July 2005 had been impressed on me as being important. Hannah was born on July 1st.

I told Shawn over and over at the time when we were engaged that we would have a little boy who looked like me and a little girl who looked like him. I repeated myself because the feeling was SO strong. We have Owen who looks like a mini-me and Hannah who looks like a mini-Shawn. Was God telling me something? Maybe not to worry so much that I wouldn't be a mom? I was suicidal at the point when Owen was conceived due to wanting a child so strongly and hating myself and my body for not creating one.

Then I have had dreams of my grandma's old home and of my eyeball popping out and mom telling me to put it in the fridge too LOL Ah the human mind is a bizarre thing.