I'm whole even if my parts are at different medical places lol Read this. It isn't stupid

I know to some people what I am about to post may sound completely like I have lost my marbles but I can't sleep until I post this. I know that when it is posted I will sleep as soundly as my Owen does as I am for once completely psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and finally physically (of course) exhausted.

Several weeks ago it started. I felt like God has slipped out of my prescence but I refused to believe he had. I asked for prayers everywhere I could think of to ask for prayer. They have been answered.

I had a couple of dreams that I'm not going to go into detail about because they are very personal. I will say that these dreams preceeded my going to the altar at church to rededicate myself so now I see them as being significant. At the time they were just very vivid dreams that stuck in my brain and I couldn't figure out why. Today God gave me those connections. Like I said, I am not going into detail because this is SO intensely personal and I don't want people thinking I am crazy because I'm not though at some points today I thought I was.

What I have asked the Lord for was restoration. A glimpse beyond the veil so to speak. To guide me and show me purpose. I thought he wasn't listening but boy did he deliver today in a HUGE way.

Everywhere I turned I saw things that I could relate to the Gospel. I spent this day entirely with my kids playing with them and loving them. I felt the love of Christ so completely clearly that I have tears right now typing about it. I know that this love came out too because my kids were so completely clingy to me. Right now they are fast asleep. They had a big day! When we prayed tonight Owen told me "God hears us?" I told him he absolutely does and to never doubt it. I think he may have been posing this as a sentence to me. Read on.

As I said everything seemed to be related to the Gospel. We saw home videos from 2 years ago and I saw how I treated my husband before he strayed. I was SO ashamed. I know my actions did not justify his but I understood more why he reacted as he had. I felt his sorrow in having reacted that way as well. I saw myself grow up on that film! It wasn't just Hannah growing physically. I was a completely different person--a total nag. Life sucked and I didn't care to say it. It was terrible but also terribly awesome. Today the pain of having 2 children rather than the 4 I wanted was taken away. I'm ready to lose my uterus. Christ showed me my hands are overflowing and I'll receive as many blessings as that family that has 17 children. Shawn made the right decision when Hannah was 6 weeks old though it wasn't for the reason he thought, I don't think.

I started thinking maybe I was dying and seeing my "life review" as the new-agers call it. The emotions of others were SO strong. As I said, I connected on a level with the kids that I never have before. I saw their need for a mom and felt Christ telling me "Andrea, quit your worrying about not being here for them. They need you." I have been studying the LDS faith for a while now and while not all of what I felt today clicked and made sense something did. I felt that these kids had a thinner veil over their eyes than I did. I felt so many emotions today I was convinced I was dying or going crazy. I kept asking Shawn "Am I nuts?" I think he thought I was going that way!

Today the kids showed me they still need me so I need to quit napping all the time, playing arcade games, reading books, and be more engaged. Christ told my heart that I have a responsibility to make good on what I said years ago and keep that veil thin for them so they can still see Christ there when they are older and ask him into their hearts. Their dependance on me while I was feeling Christ's love and showing it showed ME that I still have purpose--this one! Forget that stupid doctor saying "we'll try to keep you alive" this past week. I will be alive. I'm going to live to see my babies come to Christ on their own free will. I'm 110% certain of that!

I have never, ever had a day like today. At first I thought, maybe today was my salvation day? Maybe the Mormons were actually right about one other thing--maybe I had never completely felt the gift of the Holy Spirit but had felt its power? Today I got my answer in regard to their church and as sad as some of my friends will be to read it the answer I received isn't that the church is the complete truth but that it has truthful components as does the Baptist church. I know in my heart after today that anyone who needs revelation will receive it and that we don't need anyone to tell us what it means. Christ himself does through the Holy Spirit!

I realize today that with those dreams I had several weeks back and with the events of this day that God was preparing me to receive answers I needed to hear. He couldn't give it to me all at once or I would have went insane. He gave me just enough to leave me completely fulfilled and at a place I have never been in my life. I don't know if I was saved today. I don't know if what I felt before was just an emotional response and fear of Hell. All I know is that everything is still a-ok even 5 years after getting pregnant with Owen. Yes I have sinned. I felt that sadness today but I also felt utter forgiveness and a love that I can't put into words.

Well, my brain is ready to begin the Sabbath and get a rest lol. I have never been so completely involved with life like I was today. I had been wondering just how involved Christ is with each of us personally and today he showed me. Some things haven't changed--I still don't want his job. My soul isn't that strong but I do want to represent him for my kids, for my husband, and for my friends. So, it's time to put the cancer/Cowden's/money/petty worries to rest. I had thought about writing a book about my experiences before but didn't feel like the events were enough in themselves. I want to write about growing spiritually through pain. Today I told God I will replace a part of my arcade, reading, etc time and begin this process. I'm ready!

I'm posting this for me in case the veil starts to thicken again as I'm sure it will and I'm posting this for my friends who cared enough to pray for me over these past few months and weeks. Yesterday I thought "God, I hope what you have been doing is breaking me down to build me back up again." Today he told me "You finally got the answer right."

Now I know that my 3.9GPA in college is NOT my greatest accomplishment.

Today is.