I'm feeling extremely down today. Even though the cancer in my breast turned out to be in situ, I have still felt down since it happened. Too many changes and too quickly. I've found my mind even going in the direction that there may not be a God and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for worrying away at least half of my life for no reason. I guess I thought I had control by worrying. I didn't then and I don't now and it's been a wake up call. The adversary has been putting into my head "what if there is no God and when you die that's just it?" I hate these thoughts. Despise them. I wish I could get them out of my head. Now with a new lump acting weird it has me frantic. What if this life is all there is?
Emotional support is almost impossible to come by as well. Shawn is doing ok but other places are lacking. Financially we can't be much more strapped than we are. The in-laws are remodeling the house because our heating bills last winter were $500 and there was no insulation at all in any room except for the one they added on later. My parents saw them helping and even though I told them we weren't paying for it they somehow think we magically have the $60 I owe them in meds that were charged. They can't even write that off yet the doctor's office out here wrote off $300. They can also pay my sister's car payment when she's in need and my brother's insurance. Now I found out we are responsible for an additional $500 bill and I don't know where it will come from. By late month we are near starving and sadly it isn't an understatement. Food stamps take into account only income not $70 a trip Little Rock visits every 2-3 weeks for healthcare so we have $40 in help that doesn't even buy basics. I'm grateful for having that and realize no one is obligated to give us anything but I'm worried. I'm petrified.
I thought of the widow casting her last mite today at church and gave all the money I have left for the month. It was probably stupid but I felt called to and I know when I haven't done it in the past we have wound up with bills for more than four times what I gave. So, I did. I hate that I gave in hopes of God seeing my trust and rewarding by letting this get taken care of. I wanted to give with a cheerful heart expecting nothing in return. I hate myself for not being able to do that and now if nothing comes in return well, we will cross that bridge.
I went down to the altar to pray today. I have only been there 3 times. One was salvation/baptism, the other was to join the church, and today was because I'm in an extremely dark period and my parents can't even hand me a flashlight.
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3 comments:
Andrea,
I wish there were words I could say that would make you feel better and bring you comfort .
All I can say is hang in there you are loved and prayed for.
I don't understand why you are going through this but I know that God does care.
You may think it's easy for me to say but after the mistakes I made in November and January where I could have lost everything I valued.
I have seen his hand of compassion and even forgiveness on my part.
Hang in there my friend and lean on Jesus let him hold you in his arms and cry ...it's okay to cry he understands and loves you and will cry with you.
Know that you are loved my sister in Christ
Love In Christ
Holly Hobbie
Laura
Life isn't always easy my dear sweet friend ((hugs)), Sometimes God feels so far away and we question why?! As Job did so many times. While we don't always see the reasons while we're going through them, God always shows there's a purpose. Somewhere there is a purpose to this awful trial. Maybe it's to show you that He is in control, maybe it's to help show you that HE can handle your heartache, your burdens, your fears. Or maybe it's that your testimony will help others in the same situation.
Whatever the case, He IS with you. He DOES love you. I can't begin to imagine what your going through or tell you how you should handle things or even how to overcome the obsticles in your way.
But one thing I can do is show you that I'm praying for you each day, love you with all my heart, and share my shoulder with you.
YOU are loved SO much. Not just by me, but by someone who thought so much of you, that he saved you from hopelessness and grants you HOPE and a future as says in Jeremiah 26:11
I do hope you feel His open hands to hold you when you feel this way, that you would feel HIS strength when you are at your lowest, and that God would give you the strength you need to overcome this with VICTORY.
In Jesus name I pray....AMEN
Love you dear sister!
Rebekah
Thanks you guys. I've still been feeling dark. I appreciate you taking the time to post to me here.
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