It's been a while...

Not been so hot. Finally had the GI tract testing done. We were afraid I wasn't cleaned out enough because I kept throwing up the prep. Technically I wasn't but it worked. He saw polyps. Lots of them from my stomach on down to my rectum. Centering in the sigmoid section which is where the hyperactivity showed on the PET scan back in 2006. I had a sigmoidoscopy done then that showed nothing abnormal so apparently whatever this is was microscopic at that point. Not so much any more.

I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for being angry because who am I to expect more out of life? Who am I to not live what I have and be completely happy with it? I've lost people dear to me long before they were 31 years old. There's a chance this is benign stuff. If it isn't I'll share the same fate as my paternal grandfather who I inherited the condition from and never even met. My kids will grow up with either no memory of me or very vague memories of me being sick---NOT what I want.

I see all kinds of petty stuff going on. Petty things people think and worry about and it pisses me off. It's usually the petty people who tell me not to sweat the small stuff. The petty people who say "well if I had cancer before I wouldn't smoke/lay in the tanning bed/fill-in-the-blank-etc either". What makes them feel so gosh darn entitled? That's what I want to know. Why am I stuck spending much of my life as a guinea pig staring at hospital ceilings waiting to have needles stuck in me or like yesterday--scopes shoved up both ends.

I was awake yesterday. Brutally so. Due to my anti-anxiety meds I wasn't knocked out even close to where I should have been but legally they couldn't give me more. Soooo, next time my colonsocopy/endoscopy will be an operating room procedure.

I'm scared. I don't want to have my colon removed and have a bag for poop. I don't want to die. I'm mad that I probably gave this to my kids and people are out there worrying over the simplest things.

I just want to scream at them to wake the hell up but it wouldn't do any good. If I could go back to when I was 16 and tell myself "you'll be ok until you are 30" I would make different decisions IF I knew then what I know now.

Youth AND health is wasted on the young.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my first day teaching Sunday school and now due to damage to my throat from the EGD tube, pain from polyp removal, and continued diarrhea from Thursday's laxative I can't even do that much.

I feel like a lump of a lump of a lump of a lump of a lump of a lump